I Just Wanted A Burger

As there are daily stresses living in a country where you don't speak the language or understand why something is done the way it is, here is a humorous story that was not quite so humorous at the time but I can now tell it with gusto.

It was the end of my day at school this past Thursday and I had been told about this great place near the beach that I could get a hamburger. Not a chicken burger substitute that's covered in masala spices but a real beef patty from an actual cow. I didn't have a ton of time because I needed to go home and pack my stuff for my move to a new apt but I thought I could spare an hour and check out this restaurant.

So off I went in my auto, the driver not knowing where exactly I wanted to go but as he stopped a few times to ask other drivers the name of the restaurant or "hotel" as they are called here, I was fairly confident we would find it. I had seen it once and remembered that the outside of the building was blue. After a few minutes, when he almost passed it up, I strained my head of the the side of the auto and told him to stop because I'd spotted a flash of blue. It was indeed the place and I thanked him and felt elated that I was going to be eating a hamburger for lunch.

I walk in, all eyes on me, especially because I tripped over the rug at the entrance and was trying to save face like that was what I had intended and quickly found the one open table in the very middle of the restaurant (super) and quickly put my things down and went to the "handwashing station" that accompanies any eating establishment. There are almost never paper towels and hardly ever any soap but it is sinful to not stop at the sink and at least rinse your hands. Side note: I carry sanitizer everywhere I go.

I take in the menu and am delighted to see not only a hamburger but several other western choices. I think, I'll be back for sure. I order my green tea without sugar and my gourmet hamburger with cheese. The tea comes shortly and of course it is not a green tea like I thought but a green, watery substance with tons of lime and mint. I don't care...I will drink it. While I was waiting, I was texting with my friend and at first that helped pass the time, but after 30 minutes and no burger, I was ready to gnaw on my arm. I"m thinking, so did you guys have to kill the cow first or what? I look behind me where there are at least 8 employees standing around doing nothing and I call one over and ask, "The food? coming now?" He non-committed-ly gives me the Indian head shake and I think it must be coming soon. Well another 5 minutes passes and no food. So then probably the one employee that lost a bet about who will talk to the foreigner comes over to me and says, "There is some problem with the burger. Can you change to chicken burger?" My heart sinks and he must have seen my expression. I tell him, "I can't. I have to go now." He apologizes and says he will put my drink in a "take-away" cup and then brings me a slice of some cake. I'm thinking, "Hello! I just told you I have to leave and you give me a plate and cake?" I appreciated the gesture but needed to have him pack that up as well. I feel so defeated because I really didn't have time to wait while they tried to make me a chicken burger...who knows how much longer that would have taken? And I was still so incredibly hungry since it was 2:30 at this point.

I stand and ask for the bill for the drink and another guy comes up and asks for my address. I'm thinking...what? You gonna send me a coupon in the mail for next time or what? He explains in broken English that they will make the burger and drive it over to me. I'm thinking, how in the heck was there a problem with the burger but somehow you'll miraculously be able to make it in the next 20 minutes to deliver it to my house?!?!

I give him my host father's phone number, explain that he speaks Malayalam and set off to find a new auto to take me home. On the way, I call Joy (my host father) to tell him that someone might be calling him about a food delivery. As he answers the phone, he says, "Michelle, you order some food?" I sigh and tell him that no, not really but I will explain it when I get home. I told them that they wanted directions and he says, "I know they already have called."

I get home and I rip into that piece of cake thinking maybe it will hold me off. I decide I'm going to give them about 20 minutes before I eat some leftovers out of the fridge. I go upstairs and start packing only to discover that ants have invaded my suitcase (feel like screaming!) and before I realize it, 45 minutes has passed and I'm so incredibly hungry. So I go downstairs to warm up something and at the same time, my host family is asking me if I can stay an extra two days to help them with a guest and the guest comes downstairs (who is someone that stayed with us a month ago and very sweet) so I'm trying to listen to all of them, warm up some food and be polite and kind to the guest whom I haven't seen in awhile. I'm about on the verge of losing it cause I had already packed up almost all my stuff and my boss was literally supposed to be there by 4:30 to move me to the new place. I kid you not, I take the last bite of my lunch and what do I hear but a motor bike pulling in, with Joy saying, "Michelle, your food has arrived." OMG!

I greet the restaurant guy at the door and he gives me the burger and I'm standing there like, "what are we awkwardly doing waiting" when I realize he is trying to give me the bill. Really??? After all that, now I'm supposed to pay for it!!!! I take my last bit of sanity to tell him to hang on and go upstairs to find my wallet. I give him the money and decide, what the hell? I'm gonna eat the burger and see how it is. Well, overall not that bad but the lettuce was beyond wilted and it was covered in mayonnaise. So overall, it was a hugely disappointing experience. I run back upstairs to call my boss and ask him if we can change my move in date until Saturday and as he is accustomed to last minute changes on an hourly basis, he replies, "Sure no problem," even though he's in the car on the way. Ok, it's been decided, I'll be waiting another 2 days. I politely excuse myself and look at all my packed bags, sit on my bed and promptly cry. I only allow about 5 tears to roll down before I ask God to give me the grace to accept what I cannot change and go about the rest of my day. All that for a burger. Sheesh!